Response A
Hello (student name), this is a great draft. As a reader, I commend you by how you started with a piece of clear background information. I was able to understand the foreign language and work with me through your experience. However, how you chose to organize the draft was not the best way for me as a reader. The organization of the paragraphs was great but there was no flow from the introductory paragraph to the next. You should have added a thesis statement to make your work more presentable. A clear thesis statement will help shape the essay from one paragraph to the next. Organized paragraphs will create a flow on your presentation.
Like I said early, a thesis statement is important for your workflow. The organization is what makes your work more presentable. I would suggest you take the background information you had included at the beginning of your second paragraph and incorporate it in your first paragraph which is the introduction. To make your work more appealing, it would have been better if you mentioned the second language and all your personal experiences.
In your next draft, ensure to include more details about your personal experience at the beginning of your draft. It would be better if you mention difficulties other people may be facing after the introductory paragraph. When ending your post, you could also include the benefits of learning another language. Lastly, write more about your own experience. Create a whole paragraph discussing your challenges, strengths, and the usage of ASL. Good luck with your next post. Overall, this was genuinely a great draft.
Response B
Hi Ashlee, I would like to make a few observations on your paper that you might consider when it comes to creating your next post. First, your draft is too short which makes your presentation incomplete. There is no introductory paragraph to define what UNO is. You should have given a background introduction about your relationship with your brother and a more vivid explanation of why you both enjoyed playing Uno together. In your presentation, you might consider that maybe the reader doesn’t know what Uno is, and describe it.
According to your paragraph, I understand you and your brother are very competitive and that might have caused some friction when playing the game. However, your information is all over the place. What is your post about? Is it a childhood experience? Is it about the game? Is it about UNR? A lot of details are missing in your post. Your post is incomplete and not clear for the reader. For better presentation, you need an introductory paragraph to give the reader a clear picture of what you are writing about. Be detailed and specific. Give a brief definition of the game and your relationship with your brother before and after you stopped playing the game. Write a detailed paragraph about your experience playing the game with your brother and why you stopped. Lastly, consider writing a longer and more explanatory post than this. You did a poor job writing this draft and you need to improve your writing skills.
